As I Stand At The Hem Of God,
I Say "I Love You"
By Whitneay T. Vanwells July, 2002
As I Stand At The Hem Of God,
I Say "I Love You"
By Whitneay T. Vanwells July, 2002
This was a recent experience for me, so stay with me, while I try to work through this. This experience was something that I had searched for my entire life. It was something that I had died for in other lives, and it was what I always wanted, I believe, in all of my lives. My longing for God, I felt as a deep yearning and loneliness. I felt it deep within me in the dark, quiet night. It was an ache, a pain, that I could not satisfy with any earthly thing. The God experience that I eventually received, was riches beyond words. It was beyond diamond rings, money, health, beyond my life, beyond anything. It was the brass ring at the carnival. I believed that knowing God was something that I thought I had to be very old to receive. It was also something that I didn't believe that I deserved.Now, as I type out my God experience for you, It is here quietly inside of me. Here is my story about touching the golden hem of God. It occurred at an unlikely place, and an unlikely time.
About 5 months ago, on a last minute decision, I made plans to attend a spiritual seminar in San Francisco. I am a member of a New Age religion, and sometimes attend their spiritual seminars. I live is Sacramento, about a 3 hour drive from the seminar site, so it was not far to drive. I could have signed up for this seminar many months in advance. But, no. I had to wait until the last strike of the clock, before I decided to go.
The day of the seminar, I find myself driving down the freeway heading to San Francisco, in 'Grace', my emerald green Ford Taurus. It is around 6 AM on Saturday morning. I am planning to stay at the seminar only for the day, so I don't have to pay for a hotel room and spend the night there. I am very empathic, and the energy in hotel rooms prove to be too course for me. I am playing Kenney G on the car radio, and the Masters are talking to me inwardly, as usual. I have heard the Masters, and seen them for over 20 years. They are suggesting to me, that I should receive a spiritual aide session at the seminar. I am thinking, "Are you sure? I am handling things pretty well right now..."
But, they continue. 'Consider getting a session'.... "OK", I finally agree out loud. The Masters never suggest anything that is wrong for me. I figure it will be something about my meditations, or something about my healing practice, or something, well, I didn't even know...
After 3 hours of driving, I arrive in San Francisco at the hotel where the seminar is taking place. It is past 9 AM when I arrive, and the upscale hotel is humming with the energies from the Souls attending. I register, and walk into the main hall. It is big enough for over 1,000 people. I am a bit nervous about coming late, and I gingerly usher through the back, to the other side of this great conference hall, and find a single seat in the last row. No one really gives a hoot if I am there or not. And, I am not sure if I give a hoot either, accept, little dollops of love are starting to tingle inside of my heart center. I feel the wonderful energy of this great room, and the God Lovers in attendance.
It takes me a few minutes to settle in, and by then, we have moved into many small groups, with our chairs in small circles. There are 6 in my group, all women, and we talk with each other about our life experiences, and the spiritual exercises. I am still not with the program, though. After this talk is finished, I wonder off to the book room, to see what is new, and buy some new books, tapes, and just enjoy the ambiance of the spiritual literature that is loaded with Light and Love.
I still don't think anything about the spiritual counseling session that the Masters suggested that I receive. I go to lunch, have a fat, luscious, ham sandwich with potato salad. I am sitting alone in the restaurant, as I am here after the lunch crowd. It is nice to have my space.
After lunch, I wander off to receive the spiritual aide session, and learn more about what I need to do to advance myself on the Path. I try to sign up for the counseling session, and the man taking my name, thinks I am one of 'Them'. 'No, I am here to GET a session', I tell him, and I give him my full name. He asks me if I want to talk to a man, or a woman, for my spiritual aide session. I have already talked to the man behind the counter, several years previous to this, so I ask for a woman. I go sit myself down in a soft hotel chair, and wait for the spiritual counselor. In a few minutes, she nervously walks up to me.
She is very feminine and wears a pretty dress with flowers. She introduces herself. She is nervous, and I am thinking, 'I wonder if I am wasting my time here'. It takes us over 10 minutes to find a vacant workshop room, and she is still nervous about the session. I am trying to be patient. I am telling myself, that I should just relax with this. If she needs time to find the right place, that's OK.
We find a large room, about 60 by 60 feet, maybe larger. The room holds over 100 chairs, but it is vacant accept for ourselves. She shuts the heavy double doors behind us, and we find a couple of comfortable arm less chairs, and settle in. She asks me if I have anything special that I want to ask about, and I briefly mention work, and relationships. We begin. She instructs me to close my eyes, and together we sing a soft gentle mantra, the HU, an ancient name for God. Inwardly, she is guiding me on a meditation, or I think she is guiding me. "I meet the Master, and he hugs you", she says to me. "You are near the ocean..." I have seen this place inwardly, many times before.
I see the ocean, the Master, and an intense bright Light in the sky far away. "You are walking along a path with the Master..." she continues. She is still talking about something, only now, I am not hearing her. Instead, inwardly I see the Master take a knife, and he cuts a deep wound in his index finger. I am not surprised at this for some reason, as I have many Indian past lives. This is an initiation of commitment to Spirit and to God. I take the knife, and also cut a lesser wound in my own index finger. We are standing over a small creek that feeds into the Ocean below. Our small drops of blood mingle, and then pass downstream into the Ocean waves. There is sun, and wind. It is beautiful, fresh, and clear here. I am happy to be with the Master. I feel my commitment to the Master, and to Holy Spirit. I do not feel sad, but tears fall gently down my cheeks, some kind of release.
The Master and I stand on a gentle hill facing the ocean. The Master is to my left. He turns, and gives me a hug. It is like the unconditional hug a child gives, open, caring, and real. My heart opens fully and I receive his unconditional love. I surrender. I hear the counselor off in the far distance, talking about what I am experiencing.
The huge Bright Light in the sky comes near to us. It is powerful. It is radiant, like a million suns. I have seen it many times before, but not this close. It does not hurt either of us. It rests in front of us, and above us. It sends a powerful stream of energy, like an atomic flame thrower blast, that passes through the solar plexus of the Master, who stands next to me on my left. It does not pass through from from to his back, but passes into him. I watch, and the Master shows no adverse affects from this huge amount of energy. He stands solid, with a gentle smile, facing the huge White Light, receiving the blast of energy willingly.
By now, I am having a Knowingness. I am knowing why we cannot face God alone. The energy would either destroy us, or make us insane. The Master must receive the God energy, and filter this energy to us.
Small white rays of this radiant energy comes from the Master to me. The rays are so small, that I can hardly see them. Small rays of this energy, also come to me directly from The Big Light in the sky. I learn later, the significance of the small rays, and that they were not really so small.
It hasn't hit me yet, what is going on. I see the Master all the time. I see the Ocean, and the Big Light. This has happened many times before. The only difference this time is that I am completely open and Surrender. I am in alignment with the Master. I am not afraid. I have no walls inside of me; no hiding, no desire to be any place else.
About 5 or 10 minutes have passed since we started the spiritual aide session. My spiritual counselor is talking again, and I am able to listen to her. She ends the session, and gives me some time to get 'back', to my physical body. I feel good. I feel like I have been digging ditches all day, but I feel good. A powerful energy is now inside of me.
She intently starts to ask me some questions. I am not sure what she is getting at..."Do you realize that you joined with the Master?" (I don't tell her about the blood initiation). I am trying to listen to what she is saying, even though some of it is blurry. She says, "To join with the Master is to join with God."....Ah...The Big Light. It sinks. I realize what happened. She is grateful that she could help. She is happy. She says "You got the prize! You got the prize of all prizes, at this seminar!" She is very animated. I am dazed with the million watts of energy I was exposed to. I understand what she is saying, and by now we are both crying but they are happy tears. I am crying, but I am also some what off balance from the 'little rays'.
I tell her about the Big Light. She tells me that she didn't see It.
I am dumb founded, stirred, and grateful. We end the session, and we both thank the Master for the experience. There is much more to her then what I gave her credit for. I will never forget her.
Still loaded with Spirit, I wander off to the seminar again.
For the rest of the seminar, I talked a lot, about almost anything to anyone that would listen. I did not tell anyone what had happened. It was too new, too personal, too important. It is easy to talk about other things. I am charged. I am on over load, happy, and in a state of bliss. I am slightly burned from the energies of the experience, but I don't care.
It is around 7 PM, before I make it back to Grace. After I take the keys from the attendant in the parking area of the hotel, I get into Grace, turn the key in the ignition. I start to cry great deep sobs. I move the car gently onto the quiet San Francisco street. Alone, I let my feelings fall where they may.
It is a long drive back to Sacramento, but time that I needed to be by myself. I am crying buckets going through the toll gate for the Bay Bridge. I am quiet, wet with tears, and quickly hand the attendant the money. I wonder if he can see what happened? Later down the road, I am talking out loud again to the Masters...., "Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you for loving me this MUCH! THIS MUCH!"
The drive is long, and the road is intimate. I am every crack, every turn of it. I can't drive fast with tears in my eyes. I know that I will never be the same. I know that my life has changed forever....There is a deep relief residing inside of me. I am living in a new spiritual Home.
For some time after the seminar, several weeks later, I was still assimilating the experience. Now, many months later, I still am. I spent my life running after a beautiful golden prize, and finally I caught it. The only thing that I ever wanted was God. I worked hard to find It. Only it caught me. Receiving this Blessing is from Surrender to the Master. Now I know what real surrender is. All that I ever read about it, can not be explained in words. It is loving the Master with complete trust, and an open heart. It is loving back. It is being willing to be vulnerable. It is willingness to die. It is receiving His love. It is love. It is relief. It is not having to run so hard any more.
Now, what do I do?.... I have many questions. For weeks I ask myself, 'What now?'
Now,... it is time for giving service. That is what is left. That is all that is left. My life has changed forever, yet my life is still the same. A mountain is still a mountain. It is the same mountain, just the other side of it,.. looking at it from a different view point.
As I write this, a deep sigh of relief echoes through me. My fingers flew of their own accord, as this story unfolded on this page. I am feeling some what reluctant to share this intimate experience with you now. And, I am also happy to do so. This is the most important thing that ever happened to me, but, I am not sure what it will mean to you. I only know what it means to me. This is my God experience.
And, so I say:
As I stand at the Hem of God, I say "I Love You".
END.
An Experience In The God Realms - By Steve Bland: Click Here
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